Firstly, I’d like to explain to you that I am not a native-speaker in English so sorry for some mistakes 😉 I write as well as I can, and I’m still learning. If you notice something not understandable, let me know what.
Many times I wanted to stop feeling. I was trying on my own and also I was looking for ways in the Internet. At times, I saw others’ questions on Facebooky groups, they asked how to get rid of anger, how to stop be afraid of such many things, how to get over a break-up, and at all how to stop feeling. Somehow many of us have difficulties with emotional sphere. It’s hard for us to bear the unpleasant states and as soon as an intensive, difficult to accept emotion appears, we answer it saying big NO. Something in us locks on it. We deny existing emotions. We pretend we don’t feel what we feel.
What we don’t want to feel?
Sadness: it makes us vulnerable and we don’t wanna look vulnerable, during sadness we experience kinda lack of power, we’re afraid they’ll laugh at and that we’ll be humiliated when we tell aloud we’re sad
Anger has a huge strength, the strength which can destroy or even kill, so we fear that we’ll do something evil under its influence
Pain: we wanna protect ourselves from experiencing unpleasant feelings and emotions; it’s easier for us to tolerate normal or happy state, experiencing pain seems to be hard; we’re afraid that we’ll break down
Discomfort: when we pretend that we don’t feel it, we don’t have to take action to change something, and when we allow discomfort to be, this discomfort demands for concrete action from us, telling others about our borders, simultaneously we’re scared of reaction of people around, so we convince ourselves that it’s okay, while somebody keeps on crossing our boundaries
Even joy – because we’re scared that we’ll rejoice too soon and that in a moment we’ll be disappointed with something, we wanna protect ourselves from this unpleasant disappointment
Fear – well, it sounded above, apparently fear connects with the rest, it can mix with every emotion, and we fear to feel fear
& much more…
How is it?
We’re afraid, okay? This is the truth. We’re afraid of truth, we’re afraid of feeling truth, we’re afraid that those emotions will hurt us or kill us from the inside. We’re afraid cuz’ we used to sink in them, not knowing what to do.
At a certain point from excess we want to not have feelings nor emotions. We’d prefer to make assignments and solve problems (it would be best if the problems weren’t exist at all :P) like robots. But those our emotions still make harder to us to do what we “should”, “have to”, everything what society expects us.
And when from that putting pressure on us and from warrant to be always nice we just can’t take it and we blow up, they in astonishment react thoughtless: “What’s the big deal?”, “Come on, it’s only trifle”, “Don’t make a scene”, “Go to the psych ward”, “Behave yourself”. Those their “golden” comments only escalate our emotions, because the emotions aren’t seen nor acknowledged. At that moment we think rather that something’s wrong with us, so we don’t want to feel. But even when we don’t let emotions be, they come to us from everywhere anyway.
Finally they get us when we’re the most vulnerable and they flood us – so-called emotional flooding. We feel even worse, the uncomfortable emotions still are in us. And we start to hate it all that is inside and what’s outside. We just hate that “weak” part of ourselves, but the hatred doesn’t help to drive out the feeling.
Everybody trigger us. They make our lives harder, we think. When we try in our own encrypted, unclear way tell them that they hurt us, they don’t understand and we feel like they are against us. We feel really lonely and apparently they don’t see that, and they don’t react and certainly not effectively. So we continue to suppress our emotions, because the emotions only make a fuss, they don’t go hand in hand with what the world imposes on us, and it seems that they get worse our relations… It’s getting worse, and we try to keep them bottled inside. There appear different strange heartaches, headaches, more frequent diarrhea and constipations… We can’t fall asleep, we eat too much or nearly nothing. Different pills don’t help for long.
About it all, of course, we usually don’t tell anybody, we don’t think of it. If, however, we decide to confide in somebody, we notice fast that people around usually don’t understand, and their comments aren’t helpful. Perhaps their pep talks give us some kind of strength for one day or one week, but after that time we get stuck again.
We know already that there’s no use asking for help from the outside. We often can’t name nor understand what happens with us, so how can others know how to help us if they don’t know what is going on? We’re alone in this, horribly lonely. No one comes to help (well, maybe once in a while, but most time we’re perceptibly alone), no one guesses what’s wrong with us, however we feel inside that we still wait on somebody. We want somebody to notice us, help us, do something, take off the suffering, get us out of this and put in better situation, but no one comes… We subconsciously expect the coming from people.
Let’s make fix what is twisted. Let’s get out of here a little.
We’re in the point where we state: “I’ve tried everything: not thinking about it, distracting myself with work, focusing on assignments, running into sex, masturbation, maybe even drugs and alcohol. I suppress my emotions, I’ve reached also for spirituality, pretending that I don’t feel anything, but somehow the uncomfortable feeling bangs on, it chase me, and no one’s coming to take me out of here. There’s no place for me…”
Let’s do one exercise.
What is screaming inside you now and demanding to feel? If there’s nothing, you can recall one emotion, preferably that one which has a low intensity, because if you recall a strong emotion, I’ll not be able to help you immediately and that emotion can remain for at least several hours.
- Let this emotion be in as much as you’re able to. Feel it.
If you meet resistance, don’t force yourself to take the whole emotion. Take a small part of it, okay? Take attitude kinda: “I’m trying to open myself up to feel it”, “Partly I want to let it be”. Don’t tell yourself that you accept this feeling if you don’t accept it. Don’t lie to you. Draw your eyes away from the article for a while. This is your intimate while with yourself.
It’s possible that an other emotion will appear. It’s okay. Try partly feel this second emotion. What is it? Anger, sadness, pain, something other? (We’re like onions and ogres.) Or maybe the first emotion is getting stronger? It also is okay.
To stop feel something:
It may seem that stop feeling lies in getting rid of feeling, but actually the answer to title is: feel. Only when we give space to feel an emotion fully, it has a chance to let go and go away. Only emotions which have never been feeling to the end, scream in us and demand attention, because they need it desperately.
Give emotion space to be. Find a safe time on it. Lie down on the bed, if you like. Curl up if your body wants it. You can also put a blanket on yourself just like the pug of the main picture 🙂 Put other things away. At that moment let’s exist only what you’re feeling. Tell that emotion: “this is time only for you to be, you’re safe here and now”. Take care of yourself emotionally.
Feel. Be in this. At the beginning it’s hard. So far we used to fight and deny what we’ve been feeling that’s why it’s okay to not accept feeling right now nor in a week. In such situation it’s normal that we still feel like we wanna get rid of anger, pain, fear or anything. But wanting change on the rational level is already a big step towards change. This is a really important step, follow it, hold it tight.
If you find a few minutes every two days to try to open up on feeling a current emotion, that’ll be great. Don’t push yourself, don’t expect that you’ll manage to catch every feeling. That’s a really hard job, so one in ten consciously felt emotions is enough and commendable, especially in this multitasking world. There’s no big deal without very small (but however attentive) moves.
Ps. Even the book ” The fault in our stars” reminds us: “pain demands to be felt”.
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