Parents are used to picking on kids. It’s about mess in their rooms, it’s about the little one forgot something again, it’s about the tea which they spilled, it’s about they were late etc. Though, so many times you explained to them to not do such things. Often it’s about trifles. When kid is barely 4 years old, it happens that we still are more understanding, but over time many parents are becoming more demanding than forgiving, more harsh than compassionate and more egocentric than thinking about their own kid’s perspective. It’s understandable that grown-up is tired of being for children every day and every night after several years, and parent makes a huge work, and it would be nicely and pleasantly if somebody appreciates it, and this is a good matter for another post.
Today we’ll focus on kids – do they really have bad intentions, not doing everything exactly as we wish? The fact is, behavior results from mind, so let’s take a closer look at things which kids don’t understand.
Kid takes the blame. They think they are the reasons of parents’ argument or divorce. They take it all, because kids are egocentric by nature. We know they are innocent, but kids don’t notice complexity of different situations. The truth is that even adults don’t get it sometimes.
Going further, your kid doesn’t get that many situations often are complicated, that life is not black or white. For kid green means ‘go’ and red is ‘stop’. Their minds, depending on their age and possibilities, may have difficulties to understand yellow, not to mention the things which take place between your marriage relation or other adult’s stuff.
Sometimes even mom claims that kid makes her nervous. But really, she’s the one who doesn’t know how to deal with kid’s emotions and behaviors stemming from those emotions. In other words, the uncomfortable kid’s behavior isn’t the problem I’m writing about. The problem is that kid thinks they make, or even worse, IS a problem for their mom or dad.
What kids would think is that they’re evil, because awareness that they are being hurt by their own parents is too hurtful to bear for them.
Kids don’t understand other people’s perspectives. As I wrote, kid is egocentric, which means that their own perspective is their whole world. They are not aware that other people may differently take their behaviors. And they won’t think that maybe you want to make a good impression on paternal uncle in order to get his house with a legacy, so rather don’t expect kid to guess they should keep quiet about unflattering family issues.
Your kid doesn’t comprehend your daily toil. You cook, launder, clean for them. They’ve simply not experienced it. They’re never been mum, dad or simply grown-up yet, so they don’t know what the effort is.
Own traumas. They experience them, but they don’t understand them.
They don’t get why you prohibit them to stay awake a whole night and eat crisps. They don’t see danger in it, but fun. You want to protect them, and you see wider context of situation, but they don’t.
Indeed, sometimes they don’t understand what you say to them. Make sure your kid grasps the words which you speak to them. Adjust your language to kid’s level in order to they can understand what you mean. Simplify intricate things for him. It’s obvious that kids don’t grasp such terms as for example utopia, abnegation, indoctrination, abdication and other specialized terms. But also, there are usual words or sayings which perhaps your kid didn’t know yet.
The connected point to previous issue occurs when parents use vague phrases like: “Your attitude stinks.”, “Act your age.”, “What got into you?”. You know what you mean, but your child understands only that they did something wrong. But what? It’s worth to describe them what kind of their behavior made you worried about. They need to hear rather something like that: “You told your grandma that she was stupid. That way you showed disrespect to person, and this is bad. It would be good to apologize her for insult and tell her what actually bothers you. Maybe you were mad at her about something?”. If you want to know how to communicate better with your kids, reach for How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors writes about frequent conversations between parents and kids, and if you read the book attentively, you realize fast that you can prevent yourself from frustration, if you just react in the other way than so far.
- Kids by themselves don’t understand that they are not guilty. You should explain to them that they are innocent, especially when it comes to stuff between you and their other parent.
- They don’t understand that their parent doesn’t cope with difficulties inscribed in raising children. Apologize them for outbursts etc. and explain to them that it’s not okay when parents lose control around kid.
- Children don’t grasp that there are other views on any situation than their own perspective, so they don’t know what any aunty thinks about their recent scrimmage with the auntie’s daughter.
- Kid doesn’t know how it feels to be a parent.
- Their hard experiences are something that is bigger than they can handle alone.
- They don’t see bigger picture, they don’t notice many threats, they see fun.
- Kids won’t figure out what you mean. You have to tell them precisely.
As you can see, the fact that kids are scatterbrained doesn’t result from being monsters, but by their developmental nature, with who they are i.e. kids. Besides, we adults sometimes behave on the childish level – we ourselves don’t understand own traumas, we put a blame on others, we treat the world in black-white way, sometimes we don’t take into account children’s point of view or spouse’s, we do bad things even though we know further consequences… Despite it, would we like to get slap on the wrist, same as the poor kids, who (according to many grown-ups) are expected to have flawless self-control? The control which the modern world expects ruthlessly from adults?
So simply let’s give them and us more forbearance. They need it. Wee too.
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