I appreciate not always. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have to make effort to live even better. Nevertheless focusing on reaching after another and another good change and requiring form myself improving many things while I have really much is really tiring and anxious and ungrateful. My old acquaintance was homeless through ten years, she was living on the streets. At that moment she wanted and she would appreciate things like mine:
wondering whether wash dishes today or the next day, instead of voice in head: “Where will I spend the next night?” and “Will here be safe place to sleep?”
roommate who is nice, quite quiet, helpful, with whom she could just talk from time to time (although my roommate could not pick on her customers ;p)
having somebody to hug <3 and not seeking bad things in close person. The person who supports and is. Instead stubbornly repeat that they can’t help
mum, even with schizophrenia, instead of total absence of mum or mum who only beats and yells
dysfunctional parents who give good and traumas by trial and error, instead parents who don’t want their own kid or who renounce the offspring
having permanent access to Internet and phone
have big choice of works, having my education and experience
have such work like me presently – for money and without screaming
have such place to live like me – the toilet seat, the running water, the normally functioning shower, and no peepers, there’s plenty wardrobes that hold material goods that I possess
If she had received those all, she would have gone into shock and enormous happiness. She would have looked at that all very positively and appreciated every minute with boyfriend, every hour in normal job (even boring and not ambitious work), small talks with homehave people etc.
Lately I’ve require too much. Stubbornly childishly I fixated on searching holes in everything. Been thinking and analyzing too much. And without love. But I’m gonna do things and love, however imperfect my love is. It is what it is. I believe I’ll learn love better and more mature. But now I love the way I love, sometimes more emotional, sometimes less. And it’s okay and normal that I express it by small gestures. Also, I care about myself the way I care, presently again more rational, that way I know more and I can more effectively.
I embed in the reality. I missed that lesson being child in haze.