There are plenty information about manipulation on the net. We can find articles about its examples, techniques, ways of defense and how to extricate yourself from it. There are little pages which explain why manipulative person manipulates. In this post we’ll look closer at this phenomenon in order to understand it.
This article is NOT approval for manipulation!
The first obvious thing is fact that manipulative person wants to gain something. Simultaneously that person hasn’t been taught partner style. That style means in general respect towards oneself and others. Inter alia it’s about taking into account needs, time, opinions, will, expectations, goals, ideas, feelings, perspectives and emotions. I’m pointing out that taking into account doesn’t mean identifying with someone else’s opinions. It also doesn’t mean abandoning own views. Coming back, when we start to say aloud what we see, how we feel, communicate borders and say „no”, atmosphere gets tense, manipulative person protests, wools over our eyes, names facts in untrue way.
I mentioned that they can’t use the partner style. It means that they haven’t had a environment, in which they have could learn it. So, moving on, manipulative person had no support nor good example. They haven’t been treated on an equal footing. So they use method which they know. Just like we can use only methods which we know. What they know is treatment others in non-partner way. So they put themselves in their victims’ shoes or they behave in aggressive way. So they don’t care about themselves when they succumb or they try to care but at the expense of other people. Both attitudes aren’t healthy. In the first place, human has to care about own self. We can’t do it in every way, because we live in society together, and needs of other people are just as important as ours.
Manipulation is just humiliating.
Reference should be made to sense of self-importance, because when the sense is healthy, adequate and well-established, person feels okay with themselves and they don’t need to humiliate others, and manipulation is just humiliation, because manipulation forces people to doing something which they don’t want to. Manipulation is denial of respect towards somebody’s decisions. And manipulators don’t feel well with themselves, although they don’t admit it.
The next thing is fact that manipulator is in a hole. They need help. And when somebody refuses to help, manipulative person kind of has no choice but forcing their victims in order to achieve own gains. They don’t see other alternatives. Moreover, they demand a lot. It often results from fact that they haven’t received sufficient emotional support and healthy love. So they beg it from others. They believe that they are entitled to everything. They are hungry for attention. So when you give them your little finger, they devour your whole hand, leg, head and everything. We sensitive people are especially exposed to manipulations and emotional blackmail.
Manipulators check our boundaries. Subconsciously or on purpose they recognize that they can use us. They see that their manipulations work. Why they work? Because we let them work. But how? Like that e.g.:
- agreeing to do overtime in work or even offering stay late
- not protesting when somebody often tries convince us to smaller or bigger favors (as for example order a taxi at our expense)
- trusting easily
- not knowing unwritten social rules (we can’t defend yourself, when we don’t know from what)
- not controlling our empathy nor our sensitivity
And all you can do is change the above points in your life. Advanced manipulators won’t change. Why? Because it doesn’t pay to. There will always somebody who fall for manipulations.
Manipulative person doesn’t have to be aware that they manipulate. That’s why don’t wait till manipulator tells you that they manipulate. And don’t ask them: “Do you manipulate me?”, otherwise you’ll hear a load of rubbish and things like: “How can you accuse me of something like that?!”, and they’ll try to manipulate you again and more, making you feel guilty.
Comment and let me know what you think. Have you had any adventures with manipulative people?